What’s With All The Mac News These Days? Really!

Seriously. The Mac news headlines over the past few weeks, indeed, the past year, lead me to believe that Apple CEO Steve Jobs didn’t have cancer last year.

Aliens took him away for a month and implanted an even more powerful Reality Distortion Field emitter that’s now broadcasting world wide.

Seriously. I’m concerned. How else would you account for all the great press Apple’s been receiving since last year, and all the pokes, trips, bashes, and problems Microsoft’s run into? It’s gotta be the RDF.

For the uninitiated, back when the Mac was being developed, some Apple employees on the Mac team came up with a phrase called, Steve Jobs’ “Reality Distortion Field.”

It’s described as a mesmerization that takes place whenever Steve wanted something done his way, or needed to convince an employee to work harder, change his mind, not be afraid, not quit, and so on.

Steve used the RDF during the early days at Apple. It was evident again on the likes of Ross Perot and Canon who each ponied up tens of millions of real dollars to invest in NeXT (Steve’s other computer company).

Filmmaker George Lucas was hit with RDF and promptly sold his super duper graphics animation company. Ever heard of Pixar? Steve bought it.

Amazingly, the RDF was working overtime after Apple’s co-founder moved back to Cupertino and took over the company’s reigns from a still-bedazzled Gil “was-it-only-500-days?” Amelio, now former Apple CEO.

For the Mac faithful who’ve been to a Steve-note at the San Francisco Macworld Expo, well, you understand. Steve packs ‘em in, tosses his invisible magic sauce on the crowd, and sends everyone away to further evangelize the “Mac way.”

Last year something happened. Steve’s RDF powers grew. Perhaps exponentially.

Yes, we all read the news accounts about his bout with pancreatic cancer, the non-lethal kind. Steve then disappeared for a month. When he got back to town it was as though his powers had increased. Increased dramatically.

The Reality Distortion Field could now be broadcast upon the news media, Windows customers, heads of state, and teenagers.

Think about it. How else can you explain the tremendous increase in iPod sales since last summer? How else can you explain the tremendous increase in sales of Mac computers since last summer? How else can you explain the tremendous increase in the number of Windows viruses, Longhorn’s continuing development delays, and general Microsoft problems, which appear to be mounting exponentially?

Remember the Microsoft Music Store? See what I mean? No one else does either.

Without Steve’s increased RDF powers, how do you explain the European Commission’s full frontal assault on all things Microsoft (the hammer is about to fall)? How do you explain Intel CEO Paul Otellini saying, ““Buy a Mac instead of a Windows PC.””

OK, those weren’t his words, but that’s what he meant, right?

Since last summer there’s been an order of magnitude increase in good press and good news about all things Apple and Mac and iPod and iTunes. Conversely, competitors’ troubles seem to have multiplied in spades.

It’s all because of Steve Jobs’ Reality Distortion Field and his ability to amplify the field beyond a packed house of Mac faithful at a keynote or Expo or product development meeting.

He’s now broadcasting his RDF all over the freakin’ world. Steve Jobs’ RDF is everywhere.

How do I know? Look around. Read the headlines. It’s more obvious than the nose on your face or the spam in your inbox.

How can you explain that, all of a sudden, within a few weeks of Steve’s return from the so-called bout with cancer (look how many people believe that), everything Apple started selling better than ever. And I mean ever. Record numbers.

How can you explain headlines like these?

Chicago Sun Times: No Better Time To Switch To Mac.

Jupiter Research: Mac OS X Tiger Runs Rings Around Windows.

Boston Herald: Windows Users Should Switch To Mac.

PC World: Tiger Gets 4.5 Stars Out Of 5.

Wall Street Journal’s Mossberg: Tiger Most Advanced Operating System Ever.

Ars Technica: Tiger Twice As Significant As Panther.

Of course, those headlines go hand in hand with reports of Microsoft’s “Longhorn” operating system being pushed back to the end of 2006. There are now 97,467 viruses for Windows vs. zero for Mac OS X.

Come on! 97,467 vs. ZERO! That’s gotta be the result of some sort of mind control that’s affecting millions of computer users world wide.

So pervasive is Steve’s new RDF powers that even news giants such as NBC News and ABC News are developing podcasts so iPod users can listen to the news on their iPods instead of on the radio. Even the BBC in London is testing their own Podcast feed Hello? Isn’t that a wake up call, folks?

President Bush has an iPod. Rush Limbaugh has an iPod. Bono has an iPod. Will Smith has all the iPods. What’s wrong with this picture?

We’re all being affected by Steve’s newly increased Reality Distortion Field powers. Who knows what the effects will be on the health of our nations children? The elderly? Politicians?

Already, the balance of power in traditional computing has suffered changes of seismic proportions. Microsoft has switched their Xbox from Intel to IBM’s PowerPC. Sony’s Playstation switched, too. Can Maytag and Kenmore be far behind?

“Sales critters at Best Buy are fully immune (hence their inability to sell the hot-selling Mac mini) but probably for other reasons involving the density of matter and other unexplained quasi-scientific phenomenon.”Recent news from the Wall Street Journal says Apple is talking to Intel. For those of us in the “know,” we know that Apple wouldn’t just change chips in mid-stream. So, what’s going on?

My guess is that Steve’s Reality Distortion Field has gained so much power and so much success in recent months, that he simply went to Intel and said, “Sleep.” You know, as in “shut down.” Shutter the doors. Close up shop.

Hey, it’s what Data did to the Borg, right? He got the command from Captain Picard. “Sleep.” He transferred that command to the Borg and they simply shut down.

That’s what Steve wants Intel to do.

To be fair, there are pockets of reality still left in media, though they’re becoming increasingly rare. For example, this headline: “Merrill Lynch analyst: Apple Mac mini not moving at Best Buy.” Duh. So there are limits to how far Steve Jobs can project his Reality Distortion Field.

Look at all the competition in the portable music player market. There are hundreds of players. Dozens of music download stores. So, what happens? Apple’s market share for portable players has increased.

The iPod shuffle (flash-based) has gone from zero-percent market share to over 50-percent in just three months. The iTunes Music Store has sold over 400-million songs and has an over 70-percent share of legal music downloads. The iPod holds over 90-percent of the hard disk-based portable music player market.

This kind of domination can only be the result of an increase in power for the Reality Distortion Field.

The so-called “halo effect” where iPod users buy more Macs? Well, that’s just part of the RDF that’s being broadcast all over the world. It’s affecting Apple’s sales everywhere.

Is anyone immune? Yes, it appears there are some pockets of RDF resistance. For example, long-time Mac users appear to be somewhat immune. Since we’re already Mac users we don’t care. Though there’s an obvious increase in Mac-related euphoria, others can’t tell the difference.

Sales critters at Best Buy are fully immune (hence their inability to sell the hot-selling Mac mini) but probably for other reasons involving the density of matter and other unexplained quasi-scientific phenomenon.

RDF effects have become so strong that IT publications are touting Mac OS X as a “world class” server. IT professionals are buying Apple Xserves for “testing” purposes.

The effects of the Reality Distortion Field are also different on Microsoft employees than on news reporters. While news outlets gush at Tiger, the iMac, the Mac mini, and all the iPods, Microsoft employees simply go into a lethargic “trance” of sorts. They’re completely unable to do anything except collect their checks. No code writing. No thinking. No excitement. They can no longer spell “objective” or “goal” and can’t tell time.

What can we do about it?

Why should we want to? It’s nice.

How about you? Have you noticed the effects of RDF at your company? At the local CompUSA store? Share your experiences of RDF with other readers. Click on the Comments link below.

Note - RDF graphic Copyright 2001 by David Farley. The graphic shows, prophetically, the effects of a digital music licensing scheme years before the iTunes Music Store launched with Fairplay, Apple’s highly touted DRM scheme.