Who’s The Week’s Biggest Jackass? HP Or Microsoft?

Who should win the prestigious weekly Jackass Award from Mac360? Who’s is really worthy this week?

Should we limit the award to journalist, media pundits, technology writers, or a company with the week’s biggest blunders?

Journalist, pundits, and tech writers are just easy prey. They’re almost a dime a dozen and seem to flock to the awards these days.

I was all set to award this week’s coveted donkey diatribe to Vito Pilleci of the Ottawa Citizen for his warped view of Mac and PC security.

His headline and subheadline alone are so full of hot air as to be immediately worthy of poking with a hot pen.

“Chastened Apple issues security patch.” That’s pure drivel of the kind usually reserved for tech writers and pundits. Apple may be chastened, but not because of issuing a security patch. How about this one?

“Analysts suggest hackers motivated by computer company’s boasting TV ads.” Normally, it’s difficult to find two pieces of idiotic drivel back to back.

Vito was on a roll, and sought to make a mountain out of the only mole hill he could find.

Pure rubbish. First, Apple’s not been boasting anything. It’s pure fact. No malware for Apple, plenty for Windows PCs.

Foolproof? Exactly where in the deepest, darkest recesses of a recessive mind did Vito pick that one up?

Apple quietly released a security patch for OS X?

That must mean that Apple makes more noise when they release a security update, right?

Wrong. Vito’s trying to make something up, add up the words, and get paid for an article.

To be fair, good old Vito, always looking to be fair and balanced, lists all the issues Apple fixed.

It’s nice that Apple told him all the details so his fiber fodder would have bulk.

Vito hasn’t been getting his fiber recently, hence his poorly constructed missive which disregards facts and focuses on innuendo.

Vito throws in quotes from experts, then just makes up crap. “Industry experts estimate that about 97 per cent of all computers are running a version of the Windows operating system.”

Name an expert who believes that number, Vito. I double dog dare you. You see where this is going, right? Vito deserves the Jackass Award.

Fortunately for The Ottawa Citizen, Vito didn’t even make the Top 3 finalists. In reverse order, here they are.

Number 3 - Apple Computer
Their backdating stock scandal is a black eye, good enough for a nomination, not sufficient for an award. The whole deal is messy but handled very well.

Number 2 - Hewlett-Packard
Their secret board room shenanigans make HP’s Board of Directors, collectively, as close to Jackasses as you can get without winning the prize.

Number 1 - Microsoft
Jackass of the Week Awards can be presented to a group, and the Keystone Kops running the Zune show at Microsoft are ultra deserving, and haven’t even shipped a product yet.

Go down the list. Zune is a Toshiba Gigabeat. It’s brown. It doesn’t work with anything already on the market including Microsoft’s own PlaysForSure dud.

How about Zune.com? Nope. Sorry. Microsoft doesn’t even have the proper domain name. They managed to secure zunemarketplace.com, and Zune.net. Good planning, boys.

Finally, if Microsoft is the anti-Apple, and the Zune is the anti-Pod, then ZuneMarketPlace, where you buy songs for Zune, must be the anti-Store. Buy tunes with a single click on the iTunes Store, 99-cents a song, $1.99 a TV show, and so on.

For ZuneMarketPlace, Microsoft has decided to forego use of the dollar and will issue their own money instead. In other words, buy points that let you buy music.

It was close. HP’s woes are phenomenal but a blip on the radar screen. Microsoft’s actions are a big splash, a rock from space heading into the Pacific. It will sink with a loud noise, a big wave, and many tears—of laughter.

That’s how you win Jackass Awards.