Widgets Are Two Years Old And Still Crummy Toy Tools.

Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful. And don’t hate me because I use OS X’s Dashboard Widgets. But I don’t inhale.

Being a woman and a mommy is handy because I can trash the sorry state of Dashboard Widgets and not get beat up after school.

Kate threatens to beat me up but she lives in New York and I live in San Diego and I won’t give her my address. Ever. Why? Kate actually uses lots of Widgets and can’t wait until OS X Leopard so she can build her own.

I’m an Apple Fan Grrrl so I’ll probably build a Dashboard Widget of my own when Leopard finally strikes, but I won’t enjoy it. Maybe being a mommy makes a woman cynical, but I’m beginning to realize that Apple is the master of eye candy, the wizard of style over substance.

Dashboard Widgets are the perfect example. Take Apple’s Top Widgets from the Dashboard Widget Downloads page. What useful gems of functionality do Mac users have to look forward to? Be sad. Be very sad.

Starry Night Widget
Enter your Zip code, or latitude and longitude and the Widget flips to show you a view of the sky. As if sticking your head outside wouldn’t accomplish the same thing. Big whoop.

View constellations, the ecliptic line, and check the labels for the celestial sights you can’t see from where you live. Starry Night Widget has one thing going for it. It’s free.

Plasma Tube
This is the Motion Light Widget for children of the 60s who remember the original Lava Lamps. Puhleeze. Give it up. Do you know how many Widgets use the old Lava Lamp metaphor?

This one is full of digital plasma, the stuff that’s so hard to control on every Star Trek series. Except this plasma defies the laws of gravity and physics, and, apparently, common sense.

Breaking CBS News Headlines
Coming in at #10 on Apple’s hottest Widgets is one you could actually use, if it were not CBS, easily the most discredited of broadcast news operations in the US. Wait. Is there a Fox News Headline Widget?

The Breaking CBS News Headlines Widget uses RSS and pops up the latest CBS headlines. Those folks at CBS are so clever.

YouTube
As if there are not enough mindless Jackass videos in the world, there’s a YouTube Widget for your Mac.

Please. All you YouTube viewers, get a life. Or, a job. Or, stop using YouTube on the company computers. As suspected by the video weary, YouTube Widget lets you search YouTube and shows you a list of what’s hot and hotless and headlining on the Utoob.

Wikipedia
No thrashing of the world of Widgets would be complete without an attempt at being fair and balanced. Wikipedia is a Dashboard Widget that I actually use.

Yes, I know there’s an Encyclopedia Britannica web site, but using Wikipedia is so much more fun, and the Widget only makes it more so. Who among us does not have need for critical facts? Think of the thrill you get knowing that Wikipedia is edited by everyone in the universe, including morons.

So the information that you retrieve from Wikipedia could be totally wrong. Just like a White House Press Briefing or Fox News Headline Widget (assuming there is one).

Widget trashing is good sport and can occupy that unused space on your Mac’s Dashboard. Apple helps the Eye Candy Cause™ with Top Widgets, Just Added, Top 50, and then every category you can think of except Diaper Changing Tips, or Tips On How To Please A Lonely Husband Even When You’re Unconscious.

Got a Widget you love so much you’re willing to share your knowledge of it in the Talk Back Comments section? None? I thought so. How about joining my free Trash a Widget campaign?