Here it is. Microsoft’s deposed CEO Steve Ballmer has been named Apple’s new product chief, charged with squeezing sales and profits from Apple’s Mac line. Here’s how it all began.
The Dangers Of Chocolate
It all started Sunday afternoon, following six 12 hours days at work, struggling through a large project. By Sunday I was tired and need a break.
For lunch I had some Chinese food, fried rice, and a large piece of double chocolate cake that only your mom can make.
Chocolate, as you know, is a dangerous food. Dangerous in the sense that people like me believe it’s the perfect food. No calories. No fat. And a serotonin lift perfect for an extra dream or two.
I had lunch while watching football on TV. The Giants won yet another game on their road to redemption, so I decided to take a brief nap. It was not brief, but it was eventful.
My chocolate-induced dream was the kind that nightmares are made of. I dreamed that Apple CEO Tim Cook hired Microsoft’s lame-duck CEO Steve Ballmer to put some fire into lagging Macintosh sales.
Yes, that’s right. Microsoft’s Steve Ballmer took a job at Apple. In my dream. It was exactly as bad as you think it could be.
The Plan, Step-by-Step
First, Ballmer hailed Apple’s Mac employees onstage in a large auditorium, jumping around, shrieking, yelling, and, worst of all sweating. Oh, the sweat. It was horrible.
Second, Ballmer announced that future Macs would be made of plastic, have a touch screen, and quadruple-boot into Windows 8, iOS, OS X, and Linux. Oh, and Garageband, iMovie, iPhoto, and iTunes for the Mac would no longer be free. Ditto for iWork’s Numbers, Pages, and Keynote.
Not free? Worse, iLife and iWork would be subscription-based just like Adobe’s Creative Cloud. Monthly rent for Mac software, including OS X Big Sur (the next version of OS X).
You know. Profit and all that. After all, Cook hired Ballmer to sell more Macs and make more profit from the Macintosh business unit.
Ballmer’s presentation of Apple’s new plans for the Mac aired on Apple TV so I was privileged to view the whole show in vibrant 1080p. I couldn’t believe my eyes. Tim Cook shook Ballmer’s hand as he came out on stage. Ballmer introduce a video in which chief designer, Sir Jonny Ive talked described the unapologetically plastic cases for the new Macs, which represented some of his design team’s best work.
I started coughing and simply could not stop. Then I woke up. It was dark and cold and the lights were off. I didn’t know what day it was. I was sweating. Then my Ballmer nightmare hit me. It was all so real. Or, surreal. When I fully awakened and realized it wasn’t real, I began to cry; I was so happy.
The Goodbye Guy
Chocolate-induced nightmares can be incredibly realistic. I scanned Apple News on Flipboard. Not a word about Steve Ballmer, plastic Macs, or subscription software. What a relief.
Microsoft employees have said their goodbye’s to Steve Ballmer. I’ll say goodbye, too. Steve, we’ll miss you. After all, you’ve done more for Apple in the past 10 years than anyone else other than the other Steve.