Just when you thought it was safe to use your iPhone again, yet another scandal has struck Apple’s sinking fortunes (forget all that talk about record sales and profits; it’s a smokescreen for the doom that surely lies ahead) and this one is sure to sink the iPhone maker like ice did the Titanic.
From Watergate To Tangate
Scandals just aren’t what they used to be, and we have former president and former human Richard Nixon to thank for that.
The so-called Watergate Scandal doomed Nixon and his presidency, and, in a similar fashion, a horde of 21st century gate-isms appears destined to bring down Apple CEO Tim Cook’s scandal-shortened reign as Steve Jobs’ heir.
How? The iPhone 4 had Antennagate; an antenna problem which visibly demonstrated that all cell phones can have a problem with reception. A few years later, with iPhone 5, iOS 6 chief Scott Forstall’s Mapsgate threatened Apple’s fortunes by visibly demonstrating that maps apps are not perfect representations of the planets streets.
Wait. There’s more!
Along came the iPhone 6, arguably Apple’s biggest and most important iPhone launch since the original in 2007. Within weeks, iPhone 6 users experienced a rash of scandals starting with Bendgate (if you apply the force of a gorilla to a slab of aluminum, said aluminum will bend), moving quickly to Hairgate (held improperly, an iPhone 6 can rip out your facial hair, bikini-wax style, sans the wax), followed up recently by Dyegate (stick an un-cased iPhone 6 into the dye-infested pocket innards of a pair of jeans, and the jeans color, usually blue, will rub off on the phone’s stripes and you won’t be able to clean it off even if you have access to a TARDIS).
As if those scandals were not enough to bring Apple’s famed designers and engineers to their knees, and cause Apple Store representatives to go on strike after working 18 hour days refunding 1Phone 6 customer’s money, there’s yet another scandal you haven’t heard of.
It’s called Tangate.
This is the first double dose of danger that iPhone 6 users experience, including yours truly (just this weekend; I swear). It’s like having two scandals for the price of one. iPhone 6 users who hold their new phones close to their face for too long during the day will receive an abnormal, rectangular tan line right on the face, usually on the cheeks back to the ear; a tan line shaped much like the iPhone itself.
For those of us with iPhone 6 Plus models, the kind that are so big it’s like holding and talking into a piece of toast, so instead, we hold the iPhone 6 Plus (Galaxy Note style; it’s all the rage with Korean girls in San Francisco) directly in front of the face and speak into the microphone. That, too, is dangerous, but in a slightly different way than the inherent tan problem mentioned above.
By holding the iPhone in front of your face while talking on a sunny day, many users report that the sun’s glare off the iPhone’s reflective screen can cause excess facial tanning, a subset of the cheek tanning problem, but one that affects only the center of the face; though equally dangerous.
When I contacted Apple about the Tangate problem, a tech support representative said, “You’re holding it wrong.” As to the iPhone 6 Plus’s excess facial tanning caused by holding the phone and using it speakerphone style, the support representative said Apple’s recommended holding method is to alternate the phone’s positioning in front of the face; left to center to right and repeating as necessary, so as to have an evenly distributed facial tan.
Why is it that only the iPhone causes such problems? Is it any wonder that already critics are calling for the government to impose warning labels to be placed onto the back of each iPhone? Wait a minute. The iPhone already has the name ‘iPhone’ etched into the back of the case. That’s probably what’s causing the rash on my hand.